The Days that I Fear

Grandson playing with his grandfather
It had happened at last, I knew it would come one day. The haunting realities of old age makes it impossible to forego. I knew it would happen it would only be a matter of time. The truth is that upsets me is not that it happened but I was not here by his side when it happened. I was not here to catch him when he fell, I was not here to sit by his side when he was lying in the hospital bed, and I was not here to take flowers and fruits to cheer him up.  It strikes me hard and I can’t forgive myself for making him be all alone when he needed me the most.
When I woke up yesterday, it was a beautiful day; a day like any other. The day was not meant to be anything other than what I have been planned. It was supposed to be an all holes barred canister of monotony but the heavens had plans that were greater than mine. When I reached home after a meticulously planned day which was executed to perfection, I was confronted with a rather off handed remark from my aunt. She enquired whether I knew about my grandfather been taken for a ‘service’.  All I could respond with was a rather confused look and a big question mark hovering over my head.

Grandfather, Great Spirit, once more behold me on earth and lean to hear my feeble voice.
Black Elk


I was to be at the receiving end of some very shocking news. While I was away in my college worrying about my petty exams a whole lot had happened here. One day my grandfather felt dizzy and almost collapsed, My mother and aunt tried sugar solution thinking that it was a drop in his sugar level, then the called a doctor who lives across the street, she came in and did some preliminaries and then they called my uncle who is a doctor and he was quick to recommend a hospital and insisted that they take him there instantly. He was admitted in Intensive Care Unit and was under observation for three days and a hoard of test was being conducted on him. All this while I was laughing, joking and partying with my friends, unaware of anything that was going on in my hostel.  I despise myself.
Grandson visiting his grandfather
Photo by     Corbis Super RF 
All my life my grandfather was there for me, when I took my first steps , when I passed my first class, when I was not able to sleep and when I was down with a fever. He would come to me from anywhere he was. Je would abandon all that was important and come to me sit by me and care for me  and now when he was sick and tired where was I? Writing exams of no real significance in life? I was doing things that I could have written at some other time and passed with the same ease. No body informed me what had happened and nobody told me that something was wrong and I did not feel it, I should have felt it when he was sick. I should have. He does so should I shouldn’t I? My grandfather had asked everyone not to tell me anything.

“…there is no grandfather who does not adore his grandson.”
Author: Victor Hugo



Now I know not what to do, Should I be angry at him for not telling me anything or should I be happy that he is alright? Should I be making a tantrum about why not me? Or should I just be ‘adult’ about it. But one thing is sure if at all anything happens to him which I believe will not and I am not here by his side holding his hands during his last few moments in life I know I will not forgive myself ever. 

26 thoughts on “The Days that I Fear

  1. I was about five when i lost my grandpa. It was my grandma who played the dual role. I miss her. This post reminds me of myself with my grandma. Thanka a lot Rupi.

    you should be with him. It aint his fault to tell everyone not to inform you about his illness. it is his love towards you. Be with him.
    true, there is no grandpa who does not adore his grand parents.

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  2. That's a dilemma everyone faces in life. That your Grandpa doesn't want you to be informed is because he cares for you more than he does for himself. And that you want to be by his side is because you care for him the more. That is the essence of all love, isn't it…that u care more for the other person than you care for yourself?

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  3. Allo! Just thought I'd say thanks for the follow! And you have a really cool blog so you've been followed back 🙂

    My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer when I was away on a vacation with my friends in USA. And she told everyone to not tell me, and she didn't tell me then because she knew I'd catch the first flight back home and come. She's absolutely fine now, but I was really disappointed with myself when I first got to know about it- and I was angry with her initially. But the anger isn't worth it.

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  4. Hi Rupert

    Its so typical of elders to hide things like these from the younger ones in the family with the intention of not causing them anguish…Its just their love and your feelings are understandable as well….As long as he is in your heart with so much of depth its like being with him always even though you may not be physically near him…Take care

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  5. Grand Parents are awesome in everyone life, my grand mother closed her eyes in our arms.Elders always hide things from us, they think we will get upset and may not be able to cope up wit our daily routine.. we r always kids to them . Don't regret.His memories are with you. Take care

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  6. RW – Wonderful message!

    Only one out of my 4 grandparents remained by the time I was born … it's a huge loss! And the only surviving one I must have met maybe twice and I hardly knew her.

    So I am happy to read that someone has experienced that joy and continues to do so.

    May your granddad continue to decorate your life with his presence and may you continue to thrive in his love!

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  7. Both my Gdad's died when i was very young. I still miss them and carry them in my mind through the memories of others. Thanks for such a wonderful post.

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  8. I think aging scares me a little bit. Every time my birthday approaches, I get a little depressed. Knowing that I am not young anymore makes me realize how much more serious I need to become. I guess life bees like that sometimes. We all get older whether we want to or not. But a blessing.

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